Comments on: Lobelia Flood, June 1953, part I

By: Peter

Peter — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 13:25:29 +0000

Hey Paul, I always look forward to your comments and I feel like it’s been a while since you have visited here. Thanks for stopping by!

I was so happy with this story while I was writing, and now I see it as a failed experiment. Oh well . . .

I still have to write the second half of this story. I’ll try and tone both the “redneck” inflection and the excessive descriptive/lyrical writing. I think a simpler approach might make this work. I hope.

By: Paul

Paul — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 05:35:48 +0000

Well, I would agree with you. Do you mean you meant the whole thing to sound redneck, “and thank God but whatever spider there once was gnawing and sucking at Anna’s vitality was utter vanquished, like an impervious demarcation had concealed from her her past without perturbing the continuity of her being.” That sounds more like you than you do sometimes, the wonderful grace and elegance in the syntax and particularity of expression, that’s you, not some redneck.There is an awful lot of detail in the description too and I am unsure of the purpose of most of it, the story kind of meanders around it. In fact the whole piece seems sort of caught in two minds about what it wants to be. Beautifully written, goes without saying, I’m just not sure where it is in the world.

By: Peter

Peter — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 23:58:23 +0000

These are great suggestions, thank you. Details, for me, are always the core of writing. I will make these changes.

By: johemmant

johemmant — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 18:34:56 +0000

You’re kidding, right? Sloppy plot, no, not at all, I read this with one breath, if that makes sense, I’m trying to communicate the precision of the prose, how it’s like a wire, taut (always this, your prose). I reread it with an editor’s eagle eye and found a couple of tiny off notes……..espy the outline of a tree, espy, too victorian melodrama, obnoxious, awkward pawingness, I don’t like both adjectives here and finally would he say ‘fucking sick of water’…….a man of his age, I don’t know, fucking seems a little too strong. Other than that, superb. Wish I’d written it too

By: Bob

Bob — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 15:32:28 +0000

Hi, Peter… voice is tricky, especially in first person. After reading your comment, I went back and re-read it. There are a couple of places where the verbiage belies a ‘redneck inflection’. In the second paragraph, I doubt a redneck would use the terms ‘indolent’ or ‘pebbles’, probably opting for ‘lazy’ and ‘rocks’. But other than that, it sounded authentic to me, and I have a good bit of experience with rednecks. You speak of ’sloppy’ plot and characterization and I didn’t notice it. These two people impressed me as being quiet folks who sought to maintain their dignity in the presence of overwhelming odds that might have caused most of us to wilt under the reality of the horror. I wish I’d written it.

By: Peter

Peter — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 03:22:36 +0000

Hi Jo and Bob, those are really nice compliments, thank you.

Do you really think the story is that good? I’m still not sure that my “redneck” inflection in the writing really works. And I think just about every other element of the story (plot, characterization, etc.) is done somewhat sloppily. If you have any suggestions about what you think could be improved please let me know.

Thanks,
Peter

By: Bob

Bob — Sat, 31 May 2008 17:49:25 +0000

More epic than short story, you reveal the truths of an entire life through the metaphor of flood. Deserves a place amongst the fine literature of our time.

By: johemmant

johemmant — Fri, 30 May 2008 15:25:30 +0000

As good a short story as I’ve read. And I’ve read a lot.